Dorian Gray's New Groove
by Drakena the Destroyer
Summary: Dorian Gray is a self centered emperor, with a palace and everything he could want. When he decides to fire his advisor, Mina Harker, Dorian starts facing a little change. Parody of Disney's The Emperor's New Groove.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:**Dorian Gray's New Groove

**Rating:** T – for some comedic violence and mild language

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the material here. _The Emperor's New Groove_ is a property of Disney, _LXG_ is a property of 20th Century Fox, based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore, all literary characters are property to their respective authors.

**Note:** This just popped into my head one day. What if I could parody Disney films with the cast of _LXG_? Not all the films, but the ones that the characters could fit into. I started with _The Emperor's New Groove_ because it seems the easiest. It's been ages since I wrote _LXG_ fan fiction, why not have some fun with a parody? I'm going by memory on this, so things might not seem right.

* * *

_**Chapter 1: How it Started**_

The scene opened in a deep jungle setting, it was dark and raining. Sitting and sulking on a rock, centered in a puddle, was an odd looking llama. What was odd about the llama was the mass of dark hair on its head along with the mustache and goatee.

_"It's a pathetic sight,"_ started Dorian Gray's narration, _"that llama being drenched in the rain wasn't always a llama. That llama used to be a person, a ruling emperor, this is his story. That llama is me."_ The llama sadly trotted from the rock to under a large leaf, only to have water splashed over his head. _"Pathetic. I was popular and powerful, then my life was ruined for no reason!"_ Llama Dorian began to sob.

_"To explain how it all started, lets go back."_ Flash back to when Dorian Gray was a toddler playing with a stuffed bunny. _"That's way too back, but oh! I'm so cute!" _Little Dorian ripped the stuffed bunny's ear off and he started crying, then more stuffed bunnies were offered to him and he giggled.

The flashback changed and there was Dorian, wearing a gold crown, a red elaborate tunic, large earrings and sandals. He was lounging in chair while servants waited on him.

_"This is what I'm talking about, that would be me, ruler of my own glorious Empire!"_ The scene changed back to llama Dorian. _"Not this loser!"_ The scene showed emperor Dorian. _"Winner!" _Cut to llama Dorian. _"Loser!"_

Back to Dorian enjoying himself as emperor. _"Being emperor is great! I have servants who bring me stuff."_ A bunch of servants come to Dorian and offer him platters of food, trays of beverages and a fancy display of wardrobe. _"A guy who does my theme song."_ Appearing was Rodney Skinner wearing what looked like a silly disco costume, holding a microphone and singing.

_"He was born and raised to rule. _

_No one else would be as cruel. _

_In centuries of aristocracy. _

_An enigma and a mystery. _

_In world wide history. _

_The narcissist, that is he."_

As Rodney dances across the stage, a whole bunch of soldiers (from M's fortress) do a silly river dance.

Dorian got out of his chair and started dancing in his own groove. He was dancing backward until he bumped into Allan Quatermain.

"Hey!" shouted Dorian. "You threw off my groove!" He crossed his arms in a huff.

"I'm sorry," M said to Allan, "but you threw off Dorian's groove."

"Sorry!" yelled Allan as he was thrown out the window.

Dorian went into the next room where he met with Sanderson Reed, who was holding a clipboard and pen.

"Oh, you're highness," said Reed, "it's time for you to pick your bride." A whole bunch of Dorian Gray fan girls lined up.

"Hmm…" mused Dorian. He walked along the line of fan girls. "Nope. Hate your hair. Nah, nah, nah," he glanced at the last one, "oh, and I suppose you have a great personality." He turned away from them.

While the fan girls sulked at the rejection, Dorian continued business with Reed.

"What other news do you have for me?" Dorian asked.

"Well…" started Reed, "…umm…." He began flipping through his clipboard and babbled away. Dorian stared irritably.

_"What was with this guy?"_ Dorian narrated._ "He was like the man who would never shut up!"_

"You do have an appointment with that village representative," Reed said finally. "I was informed by the guard he just arrived."

"Show him in," said Dorian.

Coming in through the doorway, was Mycroft Holmes (from the graphic novel if you haven't read it). He wore a brown cap and a green wool robe.

_"Oh yeah, here is a guy who was responsible for what was done to me! He might look harmless, but he's not what he seems."_

"You wanted to see me, your highness?" asked Mycroft.

"Yes," said Dorian, "I need your expertise on something." He walked to a chart table and began stroking his goatee.

"I don't know about expertise, but I'll help." Mycroft noticed the chart table. "Hey, is that a model of my village?"

"Yes, I just want to know where the perfect location is."

"Oh," said Mycroft. "On the very hill top, where my house is located, you can hear sweet music when sunlight touches it." He indicated the location with his index finger.

"Perfect!" Dorian slammed another model on top of the model village. "Just the place to build my summer house!" He activated the model and it opened like a music box and a carving of Dorian's head was spinning in the middle. "Graytopia! A birthday gift to myself!" He hugged the model summer house.

"You're going to build a summer house in our village?" asked Mycroft.

"Yeah, it will have a pool, and a broad view of the valley!" Dorian squealed with delight.

"But where will _we _live?"

Dorian paused for a moment. "Don't know, don't care," he answered. "That's all the help I need, thank you, and you can go on your way." Dorian trotted off to his throne room, leaving Mycroft to be very disappointed.

In the throne room, a peasant was explaining a problem to the occupant of the throne. It wasn't Dorian who occupied the glamorous chair, but a sleek, pale woman in a dark dress and a frill behind her that resembled bat wings.

_"Meet my advisor, Mina Harker,"_ Dorian's narration continued._ "She's living proof that vampires exist."_ Mina frowned as she listened on and impatiently drummed her delicate fingers on the arm rest. _"Mina always tries to rule the Empire behind my back, which is all she can do."_

Standing beside the throne was a large, hairy, ape like man wearing a yellow and purple tunic and a silly gold hat. _"That large freak is Mina's right hand man, his name is Edward Hyde."_ While Mina was listening to the peasant's problem, Hyde became distracted by a fly landing between his eyes, he tried to crush it but the fly fluttered off and Hyde hit himself in the face.

"Well," said Mina, "it's no concern of mine whether or not your family has…"

"No… food," the peasant said.

Mina cackled. "Then you should have thought of that before you became peasants!"

The peasant fled the room, terrified of Mina's voice. By then, Dorian had entered the throne room and was ascending the stairs to the throne.

"Having fun?" Dorian asked.

"Oh Dorian," said Mina pleasantly, "I was just taking care of business during your absence."

"Right, now who is in my chair?"

"Oh, oh, pick me," said Hyde, "Mina's in your chair!"

"That's good Hyde," said Dorian. "Here's a snack." He tossed a dog biscuit in the air, Hyde tried to catch it with his teeth but he missed and fell down the stairs.

"Oh alright," said Mina, standing up. "Here's your chair, your highness."

Dorian sat on his throne as Mina got off of it. "By the way," Dorian added, "you're fired." With a snap of his fingers, a servant gave Mina the pink slip.

"Fired?" asked Mina with a hiss.

"If you prefer, you're being 'let go', 'sent on a new path', 'forced to change', whatever. Everyone has a time and place, and it ends, you hit it off when we broke up a while back."

"But, your highness, I have served this Empire for many years! I have leadership skills that can't be compared." Mina continued to chatter on why she should not be fired.

_"Bloody Hell,"_ narrated Dorian,_ "she never is satisfied."_ Dorian stared at Mina's extended lashes, blushed cheeks and overdone lip shine. _"I thought I was vain! She really takes immortality for granted." _There was a neck sinew caught between her teeth. _"How long has _that_ been there?"_

"Sorry Mina," said Dorian with a hint of slyness. "I think you have done enough for this Empire."

"Fine," said Mina. "Come on, Hyde." She stormed out of the throne room with her burly henchman following her.

* * *

**End Note:** Well, that is Chapter 1 of this weird story. It seemed right to cast Dorian in this, since he is a selfish, spoiled jerk. There will be violence ahead, and much more swearing. Hope this first chapter is alright, because I won't carry on if it's not. 


	2. The Change

**Note:** Well, I decided to continue on with this, because I loved both films and I know that there might be other crazies like me who love parodies. I thank everyone who had read the first chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Change**

"Who the Hell does that bastard think he is?" hissed Mina as she slammed a mallet on a carved bust of Dorian.

"He is the emperor," said Hyde, his arms full of Dorian busts.

"Another one, Hyde." Mina swung her mallet back as Hyde placed another bust on the block. "He might be emperor," she shattered the bust with her mallet, "but how dare he have the nerve to fire me!" She grunted. "Another one!"

"Yeah," said Hyde, placing another bust on the block while holding onto the rest. "He shouldn't have done that when you were doing most of the work."

"I was the one who had to put up with him when no else would!" Mina shattered the next Dorian bust.

"You'd think he'd appreciate it." Hyde nearly dropped the busts as he nudged one onto the block with his foot.

"That bloody, twisted, rotten wretch!" Mina screeched as she smashed the bust. "Why if I ruled the Empire!"

"If you ruled the Empire, you would never have gotten fired."

"That's it, Hyde!" Mina had an evil smirk on her pale face.

"What's _it_?" Hyde tried to balance the one bust on the tip of his finger while trying to hold the rest.

Mina cackled. "We are going to murder Dorian Gray and I shall rule the Empire!" She tossed the mallet aside. "Drop those things, Hyde, we're going to the lab!"

Hyde dropped the busts and they all shattered. He and Mina went to the entrance tunnel of their secret lab.

"Now, Hyde," instructed Mina, "pull the lever!"

Obediently, Hyde pulled the lever, which he thought was the one that opened the door. Instead of the tunnel door, a trapdoor opened under Mina's feet.

"Wrong lever!" She screamed as she fell. Mina's long fall ended in a splash, making Hyde wince.

Mina was charging through the door from outside dragging a crocodile that bit into her skirt.

"Why do we even have _that_ lever?" she asked as she swatted off the crocodile.

"Here's the right lever," said Hyde. He pulled the correct lever and the tunnel door opened.

The inside of the tunnel had a rail track laid on the floor. Waiting for Mina and Hyde was a rail car set with two seats. The former advisor and her henchman hopped into the seats. Hyde pulled the lever at the side of the car in the ground, which set the car in motion. The track started flat, then the car began to roll up, down, and slightly side to side.

"Whoa!" shouted Hyde, waving his large arms above his head. "Come on, Mina, put your hands in the air!" Mina did not say anything, but clenched her hands on the security bar with a frown.

The wild ride ended when they were launched from their seats and they were attired in matching lab coats. Mina and Hyde went to the lab tables topped with beakers and bottles of chemicals, tools, and lab notes.

"So how are we going to find a way to kill Dorian?" asked Hyde. "I thought it was fucking impossible to kill him."

"Let me see," said Mina as she browsed her notes and the lab chemicals. "Maybe I can turn him into a harmless little flea. I put that flea in a box, then in a bigger box, then in a much bigger box, mail it to myself, and smash it!" In her excitement, she elbowed over a vial, which shattered and the purple liquid inside evaporated into a vile vapor.

Mina picked up another vial containing the same deep purple chemical. "Or I can just kill him with poison, which will save time on postage."

"Right," said Hyde, scratching his hairy jaw, "but how are we going to make him drink it?"

"Patience, Hyde," Mina said, grinning and showing her fangs. "The plan will be in action in only a short amount of time."

* * *

Later that evening, Dorian was sitting down for dinner with Mina and Hyde. However, Dorian was unaware of the plan against him. 

"So you don't have any hard feelings about me firing you?" asked Dorian, sitting down and examining his nails.

"Oh," said Mina, "no hard feelings at all." She forced a friendly smile, but she was more excited about her wicked plan.

"Hope you'll like these spinach puffs, your highness," said Hyde as he set a platter of pastries on the table.

"Hyde," Mina whispered, "did you remember it? You know?"

Hyde paused for a moment. "Oh... right." He winked at Mina. "_Right_." The large henchman left the room to retrieve the poison.

Dorian watched Hyde leave. "Is he like about thirty or something?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," answered Mina, since she never really asked Hyde about his age.

"These aren't bad," said Dorian after he bit into a spinach puff.

While Dorian and Mina were talking, Hyde prepared three glasses of wine. Out of his pocket, he took the vial that contained the poison and slipped it into the glass that was meant for Dorian. A violet vapor shot upward as the poison touched the wine.

"Got the drinks prepared," announced Hyde when he brought the tray of wine glasses to the table. "I see that you like the spinach puffs, your highness."

"Yeah," muffled Dorian between bites.

"Hyde," said Mina forcing a grin to conceal her impatience, "Dorian needs his _drink_."

"Right." Hyde was about to offer Dorian a glass, but he suddenly forgot which glass had the poison.

_Shit, _the brute thought. Unsure of what else to do, he went to another table that had a vase. The henchman poured the flowers and water out of the vase and mixed all three drinks together in it. He poured the mixture back into the glasses, each pour ended in an upward shot of vapor. Hyde used his bulk to block Dorian's puzzled gaze while Mina tapped her foot.

"Okay," said Hyde, bringing the tray of drinks back to Dorian's table.

"Thanks," said Dorian as he took his glass. "Cheers." He began drinking his wine down.

"Don't drink," Hyde whispered to Mina. The former advisor tossed her drink on a potted plant, which shriveled. The henchman just poured his on his shoulder and made it appear he was drinking it.

Dorian had finished his wine with a sigh. Then he collapsed, his face landing on his plate.

"Yes," hissed Mina with glee.

All of a sudden, Dorian sat straight up.

Mina was certainly surprised. _What the Hell?_ she asked herself.

"That sure went to my head," said Dorian. "Thank my immortality that alcohol gives me a buzz for only a few seconds." There was a slight change to Dorian, his hand had changed into a hoof and his arm was covered in gray hair.

Realizing that Dorian wasn't dying, Mina took two pieces of broccoli and began pounding them together, innocently humming. Dorian then had long gray ears.

"What's up, Mina?" asked Hyde, staring at the vampire. "You want more broccoli?" Mina frowned and slammed her fist into the palm of her other hand, indicating to Dorian, who suddenly had a long neck.

"Hyde," said Dorian, "think you can be a pal and pass the salt?" His face then changed to that of a llama's.

Picking up the tray, Hyde slammed it over Dorian's head. The selfish emperor collapsed out cold.

"A llama?" asked Mina. "He's supposed to be _dead_!"

"That's weird," said Hyde, rubbing the back of his neck with a meaty hand.

"Let me see that vial." Mina examined the vial and rolled the label back in place. "This isn't poison, it's extract of llama!"

"Now what will we do with him?"

"Take him out of town and finish the job!"

"What about dinner?"

"Hyde, this is important." Mina placed her hands on her hips. "You know this was only a set up to kill him."

"Can't I do it after dessert?" Hyde had a pleading grin.

"Alright, after dessert."

"And a coffee?"

Mina sighed. "Okay, a coffee as well. Then take him out and finish him off!" Her eyes were glowing red with anger.

* * *

**End Note:** Chapter 2 is finally done! I'm afraid the transformation part was just a little tricky to write. I know that Mina and Hyde seem a little out of character since I cast them as the evil former advisor and the dumb henchman. Hey, at least when Hyde tries to dispose of Dorian in the next chapter, he'll talk with himself like usual. 


	3. Murder

**Note:** My apologies if this is late, I was busy lately and I forgot to get around to this. Hope everyone enjoys another chapter of insanity.

* * *

_Chapter: Murder_

Late at night, a large figure was walking out the back entrance of the palace. Slung over the broad shoulders was a burlap sack, the content that would have been heavy for a normal man was light for the behemoth.

_"Lucky for me I was unconscious during this scene,"_ narrated Dorian. _"That's right, I'm inside the bag Hyde's got."_

Hyde was gaily skipping down the long stairs, humming some odd tune. _"He has his own theme song? That's ridiculous."_ When Hyde reached the bottom of the stairs when he noticed that two people were approaching. In a strange attempt to conceal himself, Hyde flattened his back against the wall and tried to hum a dramatic tune. The two people who were approaching walked past Hyde with puzzled glances.

As the so-called tension ended, Hyde ran to a bridge that led out of town. In the rush, Hyde accidentally dropped the bag containing llama Dorian into the water below the bridge.

Noticing that he had dropped Dorian in the water, Hyde brushed his hands together thinking that his job getting rid of Dorian was done. However, Hyde hesitated to return to the palace, he noticed the Dorian was going down river, which led to a waterfall, and the waterfall led to the river in the jungle. In the jungle, there was a monkey leaping around the tree branches.

_"What the Hell is with the monkey?"_ asked Dorian. _"Can we get back to me?"_

Hyde was watching the bag drifting down the stream, trying to decide if he should just let Dorian plummet down the fall or retrieve the bag.

"Edward," said a small voice at Hyde's shoulder, "you know letting Dorian die like that is wrong." Floating above Hyde's shoulder was a miniature Henry Jekyll wearing a robe, holding a harp, a halo above his head and white wings on his back.

"Hey my shoulder angel," said Hyde.

"I say let the bastard die," said another tiny voice. Over the opposite shoulder was a smaller version of Hyde wearing a red body suit, with a tail, horns and a pitchfork. "What good has he ever done? All what Dorian does is boss everyone around and whines."

"You have a point there," agreed Hyde.

"Don't listen to him," argued the little angel Henry, "he doesn't have a clue to what he's talking about."

"Yes I do," said the devil Hyde. "Look what I can do!" He did a little hand stand in mid-air.

"Hmm... he's right about that."

"At least I don't play around with that silly stringed thing!"

"It's a harp!"

"Right, that's a harp, and that's a dress."

"It's called a robe!"

"Guys," interrupted Hyde, "can we just get back to what I should do about Dorian?"

"Better be fast," said angel Henry, "he's about to go down the fall."

"Oh shit!" Hyde ran down the side of the water and snatched the bag before it could plummet down the falls.

He sighed with relief when he retrieved the bag containing Dorian. When Hyde continued on his way through the city. All of a sudden, he tripped down another flight of stairs, dropping the bag containing Dorian. The bag rolled down the stairs and landed in Mycroft Holmes' llama cart.

Hyde saw Holmes taking the cart out of the city. Realising that he would be in trouble if he lost Dorian, he began to run after Holmes, but the traffic of people walking and towing carts were blocking Hyde's path. He could have just shoved people out of his way, but he completely forgot about it in his panic. When Hyde made his way through human traffic, Holmes, the cart and Dorian were gone.

"Damn it," cursed Hyde. Mina would be furious if she found out that Hyde failed his mission to kill and get rid of Dorian. Unable to find Mycroft Holmes, Hyde had only one other option. Lie about it to Mina.

_To be continued._


	4. Demon Llama!

_Note:_ Oh dear, my apologies for the lateness. It seems that I forgot about this. Okay, some people have been wondering if Tom will appear in this, so I decided to make him the little boy because he looks like a kid and I'm so mean! Ha, ha, ha! Some of this is just dumb, I mostly want to focus on Dorian for this story, it is about him after all.

* * *

_Chapter 4: Demon Llama!_

Mycroft Holmes was arriving home to his village, unaware of the extra cargo in the cart. At his house, Tom and his cousin Mary are being measured by Holmes' wife.

"Hey," said Tom, "I think I had a growth spurt!" Mrs. Holmes took a chalk and marked Tom's height just above his bushy hair.

Tom looked at his marked height. "Sweet!"

"I'm home," Mycroft announced.

"Hey!" Tom any Mary greeted happily.

"Off to bed you two," Mrs. Holmes said as she shooed them off. "What did the emperor want?" she asked Mycroft.

"Um..." started Mycroft, unable to say the truth, "I'm afraid he was busy and didn't have time to speak with me."

"That was rude," his wife huffed. "I'm going to wash something!" She ran into the kitchen and washed dishes with such fury.

Feeling down about the situation, Mycroft went outside to sulk. As he sat down next to the llama cart, the scene froze and llama Dorian popped up.

"If you all must know," he said, taking out a marker. "I'm still in the bag on the cart." He circled the bag on the cart. "This story is about me, not him." Dorian crossed out Mycroft on the screen. "About me, not him. Hehe..."

While Mycroft was sulking, he heard something groaning in the bag. He opened the bag to find a dizzy llama Dorian.

"Hello little fellow," he said, stroking the llama's head.

"No touchy..." groaned Dorian.

"Demon llama!"

"Demon llama? Where?" Dorian faced the normal llama and they both screamed.

Dorian tried to run, however he forgot that he was turned into a four-legged animal and tripped over his own transformed hooves. He crashed into the fence.

"Where the hell am I? What happened to me?" Dorian rolled into an upright position, looking very angry.

"What are you?" asked Mycroft.

"How dare you speak to me like that! I am emperor Dorian Gray!"

"The emperor? But you're a llama!"

"I am not!"

"Wriggle your fingers."

Dorian was about to wriggle his fingers to discover a hoof. "Ah, my hand!" He ran to a bucket of water to see his reflection. "Oh no, my face! My pretty face, it's a long llama face!" He pulled at his ears and sobbed with frustration.

"Calm down," said Mycroft. "It's not that bad."

"I've been turned into a llama! That is bad! You, you're that peasant I spoke with, you kidnapped me!"

"Why would I kidnap a llama?"

"I don't know, you're the criminal master-mind, not me!"

"What?"

"When I told you that I was going to destroy your village to build Graytopia, you must have changed me into a llama and kidnapped me from the palace!"

"You're the emperor?"

"What do you think I was telling you earlier?"

"Oh..."

"The only one who can change me back would be Mina. She has this secret lab where she keeps a whole bunch of chemicals that could change me back." He struggled to stand on his hind legs. "You have to take me back to the palace."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

Mycroft huffed. "I cannot take you back unless you promise not to destroy my village."

"Pardon me," Dorian brought his face close to Mycroft's, "I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!"

Angrily, Dorain trotted down the path that led straight into the jungle. His nose high up.

"You shouldn't go in there at night," said Mycroft.

"You refuse to take me back, so I'll find my own way back!"

"But it's dangerous in the jungle at night!"

"I'm not listening!" Dorian continued to trot away, humming, until he disappeared into the dark.

"Oh great!" muttered Mycroft.

_To be continued..._

* * *

_End Note:_ How was that for chapter four? A little short, I know. I'm afraid that the entire thing was rushed through. I think some stuff is inaccurate, but I'm basically going by memory on this.


	5. In the Jungle

_Author's Note: _ Oh crap, I guess I put this off a lot! Hope no one kills me for the lateness of this chapter. As I admitted before, some of the characters might act very differently, such as Mina being witchy and Edward acting moronic, but that's what makes parodies fun.

* * *

_Chapter 5: In the Jungle_

In the jungle, it was dark and spooky, but it didn't seem to bother llama Dorian as he ventured on his way back to the palace.

"'It's dangerous in the jungle at night,'" Dorian said in imitation of Holmes. "Oh please, like anything here could _hurt_ me. I'm emperor, and immortal, I can find my way through anything." He passed several bushes. "Ooh, a leaf, I'm so scared!" The llama chuckled as he ventured further until he passed a fly in a web.

"Help me, help me," the fly pleaded before it was gobbled up by a big spider.

"Okay," Dorian said, "that was the freakiest thing I've seen." There was some rustling in the bushes. "Oh God!"

Jumping out of the bushes and onto a log was a fuzzy brown squirrel.

"Just a squirrel," said Dorian with relief.

The squirrel gibbered something and held out an acorn.

"Oh, for me?" asked Dorian. He picked up the acorn with his hoof and threw it back at the squirrel, hitting it on the head. "Beat it, pal! I have no interest!" He trotted off angrily but fell down a hill, landing among a bunch of sleeping jaguars. "Uh oh."

The squirrel appeared, blew up a balloon and shaped it into a llama. Picking up a thorn, the squirrel threatened to pop it.

"No," whispered Dorian, "don't pop it."

The squirrel gibbered.

"No!"

The squirrel popped the balloon.

Dorian sucked his breath in, waiting for the jaguars to strike, but they didn't.

"Ha!" Then the jaguars were up and snarling. "Oh shit!"

Dorian ran screaming as a whole clan of jaguars chased him. He ran until he was at the edge of a cliff, and the jaguars were closing in.

"Don't panic," he said to himself, "perhaps I can regenerate after they tear me to shreds."

"Hold on," called out Mycroft as he swung on a vine to Dorian. However, he swung past Dorian, kicking his legs to redirect himself.

As the jaguars continued to close in, Mycroft swung back and grabbed Dorian.

"Don't worry," said Mycroft, "I've got you." Then they were tied to a dead tree sticking out over the river.

"I hate you," grumbled Dorian.

"We can get through this," said Mycroft. Then the tree broke and the two fell into the river. Dorian and Mycroft were tossed about on the rapids, but it wasn't over when they reached the calm waters.

"Oh crap," muttered Mycroft when he noticed the danger ahead.

"Don't tell me," said Dorian, "we're about to go down a huge waterfall?"

"Yep."

"Big sharp rocks at the bottom?"

"Most likely."

"Bring it on."

The two fell down the waterfall screaming. At the bottom, Mycroft surfaced and dragged the unconscious Dorian to the shore.

"Come on, your highness," said Mycroft, "breathe." He slapped the llama's face several times, but no response. "Oh, why me?" He bent over the llama's mouth to provide air, but Dorian's eyes opened and he screamed.

Mycroft jumped back, shuddering. He and Dorian made eye contact and they both gagged.

* * *

"For the last time," Mycroft said as he started a fire, "that wasn't a kiss."

"Don't care what it was," said Dorian as he gurgled water from the river and spat it on the fire. "It was disgusting! If you did what I requested the first time, you wouldn't have to give me the kiss of life!" He shook out his coat of fur as Mycroft got the flame going again. "Once we get back to the palace, Mina can change me back, and I can build my summer house."

"Look," said Mycroft, starting a third flame. "Maybe you can change your mind and build your summer house somewhere else."

"Why would I do that?" asked Dorian as he rubbed his fur down with Mycroft's robe that was hung on a branch. He tossed the robe and it landed on the third flame.

"Because," Mycroft tried to keep his anger down, "you must realize that putting a bunch of people out of their homes is just ridiculous." He picked the robe off the fire place to hang in a near branch.

"That doesn't matter to me, I'm just building the summer home for me. Everyone realizes that, but you seem to be missing the big picture. Haven't you got that fire started yet?"

"Can't you just think about it?"

"Maybe," said Dorian as he curled up to sleep.

Later that night, Mycroft was sitting by the fire. He heard Dorian shivering. He collected the poncho and placed it on the sleeping llama. As he took his place next to the fire, Dorian woke up and glanced in Mycroft's direction before going back to sleep.

* * *

At the palace, a little shrine set with candles and a random portrait of Dorian was placed before a large crowd. Everyone was dressed in black for the funeral. Standing to one side of the shrine was Mina in her black gown, Hyde stood on the opposite side pretending to be sad.

"We've all gathered here to remember the life of Emperor Dorian," Mina said with a fake sniffle, "who unexpectedly passed away. He was a great leader and he will be terribly missed." She tore aside her gown to reveal the pink sparkling dress she was wearing. "Now lets get to the real business!"

The mourners tossed away their candles and begin to redecorate the palace to Mina's liking. As the redecorations were completed, Mina was lounging, drinking a glass of blood to celebrate her taking over the Empire.

"This is perfect, Hyde," said Mina, "now that Dorian is dead."

"Yeah," said Edward Hyde, staring at the floor. "He couldn't be more dead."

"What does that mean?" Mina got on her feet and approached her henchman.

"Ugh..." Hyde trailed off, hoping Mina wouldn't catch his lie.

"Tell me Dorian's dead," the vampire asked, cupping Edward's chin with one slender hand, "I need to hear these words."

"Oh look," Hyde said, breaking away from the vampire, "the tailor is here." The tailor arrived and began sorting different dresses for Mina's empress wardrobe.

Mina quickly shoved the tailor away and frowned at Hyde. "Hyde, are you hiding something from me? Is Dorian really dead?"

"Well... he's not as dead as we hoped."

"What?" Mina shrieked, her eyes glowing red. "Dorian is still alive! You disappoint me Edward!" She grabbed Hyde by the shirt and shook him.

"I didn't mean to lose him!"

"If Dorian is still alive, he could come forward and give us away! Then we're fucked!"

"What do you suppose we do?"

"We're going to find Dorian and kill him for sure!"

_To be continued..._


	6. Searching

**Author's Note: **My apologies for the lateness of this, please don't kill me!

* * *

_Chapter 6: Searching_

Back in the village, Tom Sawyer awoke in the middle of the night, sweating and panting. He noticed his cousin Mary still sleeping in the other bed on the opposite side of the room from him. The blonde got out of bed and roughly shook Mary awake.

"Hey, wake up," he said, "I had a crazy dream!"

"What?" asked Mary groggily.

"I dreamt that Mycroft was going down a crazy river of death! It was scary!"

"Not as scary as my dream. I dreamt that he kissed a llama."

"Yuck!" Tom cried with a gag. "That's scarier than Hell."

* * *

In the jungle, it was dawn, Mycroft was washing his face when Dorian came to his side. The emperor-turned-llama sat down and held out the robe for Mycroft.

"Um..." Dorian started, breaking the silence, "thanks for letting me use it."

"No problem," Mycroft mumbled.

"Is it made of wool?"

"Yeah, the wife made it."

"Fascinating." The two kept staring away from each other for another minute of silence before Dorian spoke again.

"I was thinking," he started, "since you helped me, I could probably change my plans."

"Are you saying you will change your mind?"

"I... suppose."

"If you are changing your mind, then I will take you back to the palace." Mycroft held out his hand. Dorian was about to bring up his hoof to shake but Mycroft pulled his hand back.

"Don't shake unless you mean it," he said with a frown.

Dorian arched an eyebrow, taking in Mycroft's words for a moment. Then, he nodded and decided to shake hands with Mycroft. While shaking, Mycroft's frown changed to a grin and he shook Dorian's hoof even faster.

"Alright, let's go back to the palace," said Mycroft, standing up. "Thank you."

"No," said Dorian, "thank you." He had some sarcasm in his voice that went unnoticed by Mycroft.

* * *

Later, the two were about to cross a bridge that lead back to the palace. Mycroft took the first steps across the rickety rope bridge.

"We just cross this bridge and we'll be back soon," said Mycroft. About half way across, he stepped on a fragile board of wood that broke and he fell, entangled in the ropes.

"Oh shit!" he cried. "Your highness, help me up!"

Dorian stared at the helpless man and thought on what he should do. He calmly leapt over the hole and being trotting away.

"I don't think so."

"What?"

"You see," said Dorian as he poked his head down the hole, "I had to say something to get you to bring me back. I was going to get you imprisoned for life, but this is much better."

"You mean you lied?"

"No... oh, yes, it was all a lie."

Mycroft screamed angrily as Dorian crossed. "We shook hands on it!"

"About that," said Dorian as he returned, "you need hands. Bye bye." He was starting to leave when he fell through and became entangled in the ropes.

"Are you alright?" asked Mycroft.

"Yeah," said Dorian. He was immediately punched by Mycroft. "No touchie!"

"That was for going back on your word!"

Dorian kicked Mycroft in return. "That was for kidnapping me and taking me to your village, which I'm still going to destroy!" Mycroft swung back to slam Dorian against the cliff.

"Why am I risking my life for a selfish ass like you?" asked Mycroft as he positioned himself against the opposite cliff. "I thought there was good in everyone, but you are proof that I'm wrong!"

"Now I feel bad," said Dorian sarcastically, "bad llama."

"I could have let you die out there in that damn jungle," Mycroft waved his hand in a gesture, "then my problems would be over!"

"That makes you ugly and stupid."

"I probably could take you on!"

"Ladies first."

The swung at each other in a fury of kicks, head butts, and bites. Mycroft punched Dorian in the muzzle, Dorian bit Mycroft on the arm, they kept exchanging attacks. Entangled in their struggle, they heard a terrible creaking. They looked up and saw the bridge breaking apart.

"Oh shit," mumbled Dorian. The bridge eventually broke into pieces and the combatants were falling and screaming. Their fall stopped as they wedged themselves in a narrow space. If they fell, it was not going to be the length of the fall that would hurt, but the gathering crocodiles in the river below.

"Don't panic," said Mycroft.

"I'm not worried, I'll just regenerate if those crocodiles tear me apart. It's just you who is going to die!"

"Let's work this out, we just hook arms." Mycroft hooked one arm around Dorian's arm, then the other around Dorian's other arm. "Now press your back against mine and we can probably walk up to where I see that rope dangling." He pressed back and nearly squashed Dorian.

"You did that on purpose!" Dorian pressed back against Mycroft even harder. "Are you sure this will work?"

"You have to trust me, follow my lead, and we must work together. On a count of three, we start on the right foot."

"Your right or my right?"

"Mine.... er... yours! Now, one, two, three! Right!" They both started to climb. "Left. Right. Left. Right. Left." They continued to climb until they were both stretched out.

"What now, genius?" asked Dorian bluntly.

"I'm working on it. If you straighten your neck, I could reach that rope and pull us to safety."

"How do I know that you won't let me fall?"

"You just have to trust me!"

Dorian pressed his head against Mycroft's shoulders, and stretched his neck up to give Mycroft a lift. "Thank God that you're not an enormous fat man or this would be really difficult!"

"I almost got it!" Mycroft managed to grab the rope with one pudgy hand, then he yanked the rope, disturbing the bush it was caught in. "It's stuck."

"Take your time." grunted Dorian. Then scorpions from the bush fell onto his chest, crawling up his neck with clicking pincers and deadly stingers. His eyes bulged, even though Dorian couldn't be killed by scorpion stings, the little creatures still felt unpleasant. "Scorpions!" He wriggled loose from his position and fell, but Mycroft caught him by the tail.

"Oh God," gasped Mycroft as he held onto Dorian with one hand, the rope in the other. Dorian hung upside down with his muzzle in a crevice in the cliff. As Mycroft pulled harder, more scorpions fell from the bush and down his shirt. He screamed and slammed himself against the cliff.

The slamming disturbed the bats inside the cave, they glared at Dorian with red beady eyes. They screeched and flew out in a swarm, right into Dorian's face. The impact of the swarm forced Dorian's face out of the cave entrance, and caused him to run up the opposite cliff, dragging Mycroft behind him. Then, they both landed on the side of the bridge they started on. The two stared at each other, then they both laughed. Suddenly, Mycroft was sinking as the cliff edge he stood on was falling away.

"Watch it," cried Dorian as he grabbed Mycroft by the shirt and pulled him to safety. As the edge fell into the river below, Dorian laughed. "There's no way that cliff edge is going to take someone down, not today!"

"Oh my God," cried Mycroft, "you saved me from falling!" He chuckled, "I knew there was some good in you!"

"Really?" Dorian cocked one brow. "It wasn't a big issue."

"Come on, we'll take a longer road to the palace, it will take about four days. I shook hands on the agreement to bring you back, so I can't forget about it."

"You know I still plan to build Graytopia, once you bring me back to the palace."

"You'll probably change your mind by then." Mycroft lead Dorian away from the destroyed bridge to the longer route to the palace.

* * *

Mina Harker was studying a map, with a black ink brush she crossed out the villages that had been searched.

"Not here, here, nor here," she hissed angrily. "We searched every village in the region! Still no sign of Gray!" She screeched into a near by tube. "Hyde!"

"Hyde here," answered Edward Hyde into the tube next to his ear.

"I'm tired, please stop."

"Sure, Hyde out." Edward, who was running with what looked like small tent strapped to his back, stopped and crouched to the ground. Placing his huge hands on the ground, he was on all fours.

Mina opened the tent flap in an angry huff, she stepped on the back of Edward's neck and hand as she climbed down. Edward's angry snorts were unnoticed as Mina had used him to climb out of the tent.

"This is just horrible," Mina complained as she tried walking in the muddy ground. She wore a violet dress and a shawl to keep the sun off her pale skin. "Hyde loses Dorian and now we're out searching everywhere!" As she walked, her shoes were stuck in the mud. "Ah! My good shoes!" She flung her shawl around her neck. "I hate this jungle!" A swarm of mosquitoes buzzed around her face and she screeched in annoyance.

"Oh look," said Edward, most likely to himself, he approached a tree to study a yellow bird perched in the branches. He took out a note pad and pen, not even noticing Mina running from the mosquitoes. "That's one more for exotic bird bingo. Perfect."

Mina tripped over a root and fell face first in the mud. "Why me?" she whined. As she wiped the mud off her face, the squirrel that Dorian met before was offering her an acorn. "Get the fuck out of my face!" She slapped the acorn out of the squirrel's paws.

The squirrel, being frightened, jumped and landed on Hyde's shoulder. It began gibbering angrily, and Hyde nodded.

"Yeah," said Edward, "she can be very hard to communicate with. She gets edgy when she hasn't drained blood for a while." The squirrel adjusted its position on Hyde's arm and began gibbering.

"Are you talking to that squirrel?" Mina's eyes narrowed, wiping the mud from her face.

"It's in my animalistic nature, communicating with other creatures." Edward gestured to the squirrel on his arm. "Please continue." The squirrel began gibbering and making gestures with its paws, Edward nodded as he picked up on the squirrel's story.

"Oh why me? Why me?" Mina moaned and rolled her eyes. She thought Hyde's awkward conversation with a squirrel was getting ridiculous.

"It's not always about your problems," said Edward. "This little fellow here had a bad encounter with a talking llama."

"What?" Mina rushed to Hyde's side. "A talking llama?" She chuckled light-heartedly. "Please tell me more."

The squirrel clung to the back of Hyde's neck, gibbered and made a shooing motion with its paw.

"Ugh..." Edward started, "it doesn't want to speak to you."

"Then _you_ talk to it."

"Um... Squeaky-squeak-squeak?"

The squirrel made more gibbers and gestures as it answered Hyde.

"Jaguars? That's interesting." Edward kept listening to the squirrel, not even noticing Mina sneaking up behind him to hear for herself. The squirrel stopped when it saw Mina with a gleeful grin.

"Can you give us some more space?" Hyde asked. Mina took several paces away. "Just a bit further."

"How's this?" Mina asked irritably, standing under a couple of trees at the other end of the clearing.

"Good enough."

"Now ask which way the damn talking llama went," Mina called.

"Squeaky-squeak- squeakum?"

The squirrel pointed its paw in the direction. Then Hyde was on the run again with the tent mounted on his back. In the tent, Mina was riding with a wicked grin.

_To be continued._


	7. Nautilus Sea Food Shack

**Author's Note:** Alright, another chapter for this crazy story. I think I will continue to the end, it doesn't matter if anyone thinks that parodies are dumb, I love parodies.

* * *

_Chapter 7: The Nautilus Sea Food Shack_

Mycroft Holmes was carrying Dorian Gray along the path that would lead back to the palace. Even though Mycroft was being strained, Gray was enjoying the ride. They eventually found a small diner on the side of the path, and both of them had to admit they were hungry.

"I probably can't die from starvation," said Dorian, "but we could use a bite."

"The Nautilus Sea Food Shack won't allow llamas," said Mycroft, pointing to the sign.

"I think we can fool them," said Dorian, smiling devilishly.

Later, they were sitting at a table. Mycroft was just wearing his undershirt and trousers, Dorian wore the robe and cap to decently disguise his llama characteristics. As long as no one looked closely, Dorian just looked like a strange peasant with a fine mustache and goatee.

"Welcome to the Nautilus Sea Food Shack," said Nemo, who was holding a note pad and pen, and wearing a plain blue uniform with an apron over top. "May I take your order?"

"We'll take two specials. Is that all right with you, buddy?" asked Mycroft.

"It's alright with me," said Dorian, using an altered voice that sounded raspy, "you know what I like, bud."

Mycroft chuckled lightly. "He's from out of town, just showing him the sights."

Nemo arched one brow. "Bless you for stopping by." He scribbled on his note pad. "That would be two specials." He went off to get their orders, while Dorian and Mycroft laughed.

"I can't believe we pulled it off," chuckled Mycroft.

"I come up with damn good ideas," bragged Dorian, "face it."

"Oh please," Mycroft used his pudgy fingers to count, "you first take off in the jungle by yourself at night, get chased by jaguars, and then lying to me to take you back to the palace. Those were all bad ideas."

"Bloody hell, it only sounds bad with that attitude."

Nemo then returned to the table with two platters. "Two shell fish platters for the two buddies," he said flatly, "enjoy." He took off as Dorian suspiciously sniffed his platter.

"Oh boy," said Mycroft eagerly, cracking open his shell fish with a bamboo straw. He put his straw to his mouth and began sucking at the juicy meat.

"Ugh..." groaned Dorian. He just realized that sea food wasn't his taste. The llama tried to hold back a gag.

"Let me get that for you." Mycroft tapped Dorian's shell fish open to reveal the meat. Dorian cringed with disgust and got up from the table.

"Where are you going?" asked Mycroft.

"I'm just slipping into the kitchen to have a word with the chef."

"You're going to get us kicked out."

"Don't worry, I'm immortal and can take it hard, and my disguise will help." He trotted into the kitchen, the robe hiding the fact that he was on all fours.

When Dorian disappeared into the kitchen, Mina Harker and Edward Hyde took the table behind Mycroft.

"We have been walking in bloody circles all day," Mina hissed with annoyance, "that will be the last time I take directions from a damn squirrel." She sighed. "I should have done away with Dorian myself when I had the chance!"

Mycroft nearly choked, realizing that Mina was searching for Dorian to kill him.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," said Edward.

Mina squinted her eyes and bent her fork with her vampiric strength.

"Oh damn, let me get you another one." Hyde turned to Mycroft's table. "Do you have an extra fork?"

"Sure," said Holmes nervously, handing his unused fork to Hyde.

"You look familiar, did I meet you somewhere before?"

"Um... no." Mycroft covered his face to keep his identity from Edward.

"Fought with you back when I was short?" Mycroft shook his head. "Maybe that time in the opium den?" Edward continued, scratching his chin. "I got sent to the back room since people found my appearance too creepy. Come on, tell me where we might have met."

"I don't think we met before," Mycroft said, "I have to go." He quickly got up and ran after Dorian.

"I'll try to remember where I've seen you before," said Edward as Mycroft left.

In the kitchen, the chef Ishmael was stirring the stew with agitation as Dorian talked on.

"All what I'm saying," said Dorian, "is that maybe prepare something that isn't too exotic and icky. Perhaps make something more normal."

"Psst, Dorian," said Mycroft as he opened the door.

"Is there anything on this menu that is not bathed in garlic?" Mina asked irritably as she read the menu. Being a vampire, she preferred the neck of some unfortunate to sink her fangs into.

"Hold on," said Hyde, "I'll ask the chef." He got up and headed for the kitchen.

"I'm just asking," Dorian said as Mycroft dragged him away, "is there anything normal on the menu?"

"Come on," said Mycroft, but as he got to the door, he saw Hyde approaching. "Oh no!" He quickly led Dorian into the pantry.

"Hey, what's going on?" asked Dorian as Mycroft shut the pantry door.

"Hey," said Hyde as he came into the kitchen, "I was wondering about a special order."

"That's it!" cried Ishmael. "You want a special order, make it yourself!" He yanked off his chef's hat and forced it into Hyde's enormous hands. "I quit!" He began packing everything he could into a suit case. "I fucking try, but I never get any bloody respect! Good bye!" He stormed off with an angry snort.

Edward had no idea what to do as he watched the man leave. Then Nemo was at the shelf calling out all the orders.

"Oh no... I'm not..." Edward started.

"You got that sir?" asked Nemo when he finished listing the orders.

Unable to get out of the situation, Edward nodded. "Got it." He put on the chef hat and began working.

"Okay," said Dorian, "can you just tell me why we're in the pantry?"

"No time to explain," said Mycroft, "we have to get out of here."

Mina was drumming her delicate fingers on her table impatiently.

"What's taking that ape so long?" she asked herself. She got up from the table to find her henchman.

"Come on," said Mycroft as he pulled the window open, "let's go."

"In a minute," said Dorian, "I still got to order something."

"No!" Mycroft tried to stop him but he was too slow.

"I'll just have the shrimp platter," Dorian said as he trotted through the kitchen, not even recognizing Edward.

"No problem," said Edward. Busy at the stove, Edward didn't even recognize Dorian.

Mycroft was about to go after Dorian, but the llama had left and Mina was storming in. Panicked, he hid under the preparation table.

"What's going on?" Mina demanded.

"A bit busy here," replied her henchman.

"Fine," said Mina after clenching her hands and holding back a snarl. "While you're at it, I'll take the special, and hold the garlic!" She glided out the doors.

"Got it," said Edward getting the orders ready.

"On second thought," said Dorian as he came in, "change my shrimp platter to salmon."

"Salmon, check," said Edward as he continued working.

Mycroft was about to follow Dorian again when Mina entered again. Mycroft, unable to return to his hiding place, ran into a shadowed corner and stood very still.

"Hyde," Mina said as she entered, "I'll change my order to the salmon."

"Okay," said Hyde as he was chopping vegetables, "but it's full price."

Mina hissed and stormed out the door. As she left, Dorian entered.

"How about potatoes with the salmon?" he asked before heading out the door.

"Want cheese on those spuds?" asked Edward.

"Sure," said Mina as she entered and left.

"Spuds with cheese," said Hyde.

"Want spuds, no cheese," said Dorian, coming through one side of the double doors and out the other.

"Okay, no cheese."

"Hyde, I do want cheese," said Mina, repeating Dorian's entrance and exit.

"Okay, cheese it is."

"Cheese I no likey," said Dorian as he repeated the entrance and exit.

"No cheese."

"Yes, I want cheese," Mina hissed as she entered and left again.

"Make up your damn mind!" Edward growled, losing his temper.

"On second thought," Mina and Dorian said together, the doors hiding their faces from each other, "make my side a salad." Mina frowned, knowing that she heard another voice.

Mina and Dorian returned to their tables, looking over their menus. They did not seem to recognize each other. Feeling suspicious, Mina peeked around her menu in attempt to get a better look at the robed and hooded being sitting at the other table.

Mycroft, knowing that if Mina would discover Dorian, it would not be good. He noticed Nemo passing by and quickly worked a little distraction.

"You see that pale, sleek woman over there?" Mycroft whispered some made up fact to Nemo.

"Of course, sir," said Nemo, "we do that all the time."

As Mina was about to get a better look, there was a group of Nemo's crew men singing to her. She jumped back with a startled cry.

Mycroft grabbed Dorian and led him out of the diner. Mina sat in her seat, wearing a large brimmed hat, her slender arms crossed and a scowl on her face.

"Mina," Hyde came out of the kitchen chuckling, "it's your birthday?"

* * *

Outside, Mycroft was leading Dorian away from the diner with all haste.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Dorian.

"You can't stay around," said Mycroft urgently. "I noticed that there are two people in there looking for you."

"What do they look like?"

"There was this large, hairy ape-like man, and with him was a slender pale woman."

"Did the woman appear very sleek?"

"Yes."

"That must be Hyde and Mina. That means they must have the potion to change me back to normal." Dorian could not hide his satisfaction. "Thank you for escorting me so far, I can find them from here." He was about to find his ex-advisor and her henchman, but Mycroft jumped in front of him.

"You don't understand, they're here to kill you!"

"Impossible, they can never kill me!"

"They seemed very bent on it."

"Enough of your rubbish, I'm going to get that potion from them, and nothing you say or do will stop me!" He calmly stepped around Mycroft.

"But-"

"No 'buts', now be gone! I have to find those two!" Dorian stomped off to find Mina and Hyde, leaving Mycroft standing alone.

* * *

"This is all your fault," Mina scolded Hyde as they left the diner. "If you got the poison as you should have, Dorian would already be dead!" As she scolded Hyde, they were unaware that Dorian was following them and had heard everything.

"You shouldn't be so crossed," said Hyde, "especially on your birthday."

"We have to find Dorian," said Mina angrily as she climbed into the tent, "even if we have to search every village."

Hyde obediently loaded the tent on his shoulders and ran into the jungle.

"Shit," muttered Dorian. "So he was right, they were planning to kill me." He ran back towards where he and Mycroft spoke earlier, but Mycroft was gone. "Mycroft!" He called out, but no answer.

He searched around, there was no sign of his companion. At a loss, Dorian walked slowly into the jungle to sulk.

* * *

Later, it was raining, and Dorian sat alone with the rain soaking his fur.

_"This is where you came in,"_ narrated Dorian. _"You see, I'm the victim here, I did nothing wrong and they all ruined my life!"_

"Knock it off," the llama Dorian shouted as he looked up. "They all saw what happened."

_"Yeah, but I'm making a point here-"_

"Fuck off and leave me alone!" The llama bowed his head wearily.

* * *

In the middle of the night, Mina and Edward had set up their camp in there jungle where it wasn't raining. While Mina slept in the big tent in order to have some privacy, Hyde slept on the ground under a small tent that only covered him from waist to mid thighs. The big henchman wore striped pajamas, clutching a teddy bear to his broad chest (okay, that is funny and freaky at the same time) and he was snoring loudly.

"That peasant at the diner," he gasped as he sat upwards, he paused for a second, "he didn't pay his tab." He shut his eyes and lay back down to sleep, but sat upwards after several seconds.

"Wait a minute," Hyde grumbled, "that peasant at the diner, he was the guy who had Gray in his cart but I lost him in the crowd. If we find his village," the henchman grinned to show his crooked teeth, "we find Gray."

"Hey, Mina!" Edward got up and tore aside the flaps to Mina's tent.

"What?" shrieked Mina as she sat up. She had a layer of pale green masque on her face, her eyes covered with circular patches, and her red hair up in rollers.

"Ugh!" Edward winced at the sight of his mistress, trying not to gag.

"This better be good," hissed Mina, the patches falling off her eyes to reveal them glowing red.

_To be Continued..._


	8. The House on the Hill

**Chapter 8**

**

* * *

**

Dorian trotted into a field that was occupied by other llamas. As he approached the other llamas, they snorted and trotted away from him. Dorian sighed, if Mina was out to kill him and he couldn't transform back, he would just have to live as a llama. He bent his head down and began nibbling the grass. It was awful tasting and he tried his best not to gag.

"You see," he heard Mycroft's voice speaking, "I was about to fall to my death, but Dorian helped me! I knew there was some good inside him, but he's a lousy llama. A very lousy llama."

Dorian approached the man while he was speaking to the llamas. The two exchanged glances for a moment.

"Tired of being a llama?" Mycroft asked.

"Yes," said Dorian with a groan.

"Come on, we can stop at my house for a while, then we can get to the palace."

The both ventured into the village, as they walked up the path to Mycroft's house, they walked by Allan Quatermain and Nigel who were playing chess.

"Mycroft," said Quatermain, "you just missed your relatives."

"My relatives?" Mycroft seemed puzzled. "What did they look like?"

"Well," started Allan, "one was a big hairy ape-like guy and the other was a woman who looked... how would you describe her?"

"Pale and sleek," said Nigel.

"Holy shit!" Dorian and Mycroft cried out. They were both running as fast as they could to Mycroft's house.

"That was definitely Hyde and Mina they described," said Dorian.

"It's best that I go inside first and alert my family," said Mycroft.

* * *

Inside the house, Mycroft's wife was serving tea to Mina while Edward was playing jump rope with Tom and Mary.

"Exactly how are you related to Mycroft?" asked Mrs. Holmes.

"I'm a very distant cousin," said Mina, with a slight chuckle.

"I see."

Meanwhile, Hyde was enjoying jump rope with Tom and Mary.

Mina dropped her tea cup and it shattered on the floor.

"Whoopsies," she said light-heartedly.

"I'll get it," said Mrs. Holmes. She got a brush and dust pan and began sweeping the mess.

"Hyde," said Mina as she quickly rushed to Edward's side.

"Switch," said Edward, since he was swinging two jump ropes. Then it was Mina swinging the ropes while Edward jumped over one, Mary and Tom jumping over the other.

"This is important," Mina said with a scowl.

"Switch," Hyde said again. Tom and Mary began swinging the single rope while Hyde and Mina were jumping in the middle.

"They haven't mentioned anything about a talking llama, but Dorian must be hiding here somewhere. When the opportunity arrises, we search for him."

"Right," said Hyde, "just let me take a few more minutes with the jump rope."

Mina rolled her eyes and rushed back to her seat before Mrs. Holmes completed cleaning.

"Maybe I should tell Mycroft that you stopped by," said Mrs. Holmes. "He should be here shortly."

"Psst," hissed Mycroft from the kitchen.

"Pardon me," said Mrs. Holmes, "I think I left the oven on." She hurried off to the kitchen to speak with Mycroft, leaving Mina to search for Dorian.

"We've got to take him back to the palace to change him back," explained Mycroft.

"Hey," said Dorian peering into the window.

Mrs. Holmes yelped and slammed a frying pan on Dorian's face.

"That was him," said Mycroft.

Mina was peering into every room as she crept through the halls. Tom was following behind her.

"I hope you are a very distant cousin," said Tom with a cheeky grin, "distant, distant, distant, distant-"

"Are you done?" Mina sneered.

"Distant cousin," said Tom.

Dorian and Mycroft were running from the village and on another path to the palace.

"We should at least have a head start," said Mycroft, "my family will distract those two."

"Are you sure that your family should be alone with them?" asked Dorian.

"I'm sure."

* * *

Inside, Mina and Hyde were trapped in a closet, which wasn't very comfortable.

"I can't open the damn door," hissed Mina.

"Did you try the knob?" asked Mrs. Holmes, who was holding the knob on the outside.

"That's it," said Mina, "give us the talking llama and we'll burn your house to the ground!"

"Don't you mean 'or we'll burn your house'?" asked Hyde.

Mina snarled and her eyes glowed red. "Give us the talking llama or we'll burn your house to the ground!"

"Whatever," said Tom, ignoring the glare through the key hole.

"Hyde," hissed Mina, "smash the door down?"

"What?" asked Hyde. "I don't think that there is enough room..."

"Never mind! I'll just do it! One, two, three!" She charged but the door had opened and her momentum drove her outside, onto a wagon that rolled down hill, where Tom splashed her with honey and Mary dropped feathers on Mina. The vampire woman tumbled down the hill in the wagon and accidentally got strung up where a small party was being held and the blind folded children began to club her.

"Damn it! Stop it you brats!" she screamed.

"Well," said Hyde as he calmly walked outside, "it was pleasure to meet you all but we must be on our way." The large man beast quickly ran off to help his boss and chase after Dorian.

_To be continued._

* * *

**End Note:** My apologies for this late update, I have been working on _Clash of the Shinobi_ and some short stories due to the writer's block. I'm such a bum.


	9. Get that Potion!

**Chapter 9**

Dorian and Mycroft ran through the jungle as quick as they could to reach the palace. Hot on their trail was Edward Hyde with Mina riding in the tent on his back. Both parties noticed they were leaving a trail of arrows behind them, Dorian and Mycroft had red arrows while Mina and Hyde had blue arrows.

On a map of the routes to the palace, icons of the two parties were indicated with the arrow trails.

Dorian and Mycroft crossed another rope bridge, when they reached the other side they broke of the rope to cause the bridge to collapse. On the other side, Mina and Edward appeared stuck, but they had another way to cross. With a running start, Hyde leapt from the cliff edge. Mina opened a pair of wings from the sides of the tent she was riding in so that she and Hyde would glide the rest of the way. However, they were struck by lightning and they fell into the river below.

On the map, there was an illustration of Mina and Hyde falling while Dorian and Mycroft were running to the palace.

"Why the Hell does she even have that lever?" asked Dorian. He was dripping wet and a crocodile was biting his tail. Dorian kicked the crocodile in the jaw to get it off.

"Here's the correct lever," said Mycroft. When he pulled the lever, the door opened and they got into the rail cart that would transport them to the lab. After a ride on the winding and twisting rail, they were in the lab wearing white coats.

"Ugh," groaned Dorian, "this reeks of Hyde." He pulled off the coat that was rather baggy for him. Mycroft had more of struggle pulling off the tight coat that was meant for Mina's sleek form.

They both searched the laboratory for the vial of potion that would change Dorian back into a human. They looked into the cabinet that contained all of the vials of potion.

"We're looking for the one labeled human," said Dorian.

"That should be the one here," said Mycroft, staring at the shelf labeled with a picture of a human. "There are no vials though."

"Looking for this?" asked the venomous voice of Mina Harker. She emerged from the shadows in her violet gown, in her slender fingers was a vial of the human potion.

"How did you get here before us?" asked Dorian.

"Um.." Mina seemed rather puzzled. "Hyde, how did we get here first?"

"Beats me," said Hyde, unrolling the map to show their progress to the palace. "This thing never makes sense."

"Anyway," Mina said calmly, "since you fired me, I wanted revenge. Killing you would allow me to take over the Empire and rule." She lifted up her skirt. "You just wait for what I have in store for you."

Dorian and Mycroft stared with bulging eyes and dropped jaws. Mina revealed the dagger strapped to her leg as she chuckled evilly.

"Oh..." Mycroft and Dorian trailed off.

"So you wanted to kill me all along?" asked Dorian.

"Kill is such a harsh word, Dorian. Let's just say that you are being let go, forced to change, sent on a new path." She playfully rotated the dagger in her hand.

"That's exactly what he said to you," said Hyde, "only you were fired."

"I know, it's called cruel irony. Hyde, kill them." She tossed the dagger to Hyde.

Edward Hyde caught the dagger and stared at it, not sure if he wanted to carry out the deed.

"Look at yourself," said the high voice of the shoulder devil Hyde. "Are you just going to let her boss you around like that?"

"Where's Henry?" asked Edward.

"I tried giving you advice," said shoulder angel Henry Jekyll as he appeared. He was sitting in a salon chair, reading a book and waiting for his hair style to set. "You just don't listen."

"Well, I..." Edward trailed off. As he murmured to his shoulder angel and devil, everyone just stared at him.

"Come on," said devil Hyde, "show her that you won't take her shit!"

"Now, now," said angel Henry, the salon chair vanishing, "you just have to simply refuse her demands."

"Um..." Edward was still not sure who to listen to.

"Hyde," said Mina coldly, "why am I unable to count on you? You can't even carry out the simplest of tasks. When I speak to you, it's like I'm talking to a monkey! A big, stupid, ugly monkey named Hyde!"

"Ouch," said angel Henry, clutching his harp to his chest.

"And you know what else?" Mina continued. "I never liked your spinach puffs! Never!"

Edward Hyde gritted his teeth as his anger boiled up at the insults.

"That's it!" sneered devil Hyde. He cocked his pitch fork like a rifle.

"Wait," said angel Henry, "the wicked shall receive punishment from above!" Above Mina's position was the iron ring of candles that was hanging from a hook on the ceiling by a rope.

"Right!" growled Edward. He slashed the rope where it was secured to the wall, causing the ring of candles to fall.

Mina stood frozen stiff as the ring fell, but instead of crashing onto her, it fell past her skinny form. She remained standing with a frown on her pale face.

"Damn, that usually works," said Hyde.

"So does this!" Mina pulled a lever nearby. A trapdoor opened beneath Hyde, it was a few seconds before Hyde knew he was falling. Angel Henry and devil Edward grasped each other as they also fell.

Mycroft tried to take the vial from Mina. The two wrestled a bit until the vial was dropped and went rolling across the floor. Dorian tried to pick up the rolling vial, but Mina had knocked over the cabinet, causing the other vials to fall onto the floor to hide the one human potion.

"Oh clumsy me," said Mina with a chuckle.

"We'll take them all," said Mycroft as he scooped up all of the vials.

"Guards!" Mina screamed and the guards came. "Seize them, they killed the Emperor!" The guards ran at Dorian and Mycroft.

"I am the Emperor!" shouted Dorian.

"This should slow them down," said Mycroft. He and Dorian tipped over a table covered with beakers and bottles in front of the charging guards.

There was a crash, a poof of vapors, then the guards were all changed into animals, still wearing helmets and wielding spears and knives.

"I'm a cow," said one guard. "Can I go home?"

"You're excused," said Mina. "Does anyone else want to leave?" The transformed guards shook their heads and charged again.

Dorian and Mycroft ran down a flight of stairs as the guards chased them. As they ran, Mycroft fumbled with the vials.

"Here," he said, "try this." Mycroft tossed the contents of the vial down Dorian's throat. Dorian turned into a tortoise.

"Help!" cried Dorian, who couldn't run quick enough.

Tucking Dorian under one arm, Mycroft ran down the stairs only to find it broken off. Below was a long drop into the waterway that ran through the city. They had no where else to go with the guards coming after them.

"Hope this is something with wings," said Mycroft as he poured another vial into Dorian's mouth.

"Yeah," said Dorian, flapping his new wings. However, he was a tiny parrot and couldn't lift Mycroft. They both began falling and screaming.

"Here's another one," said Mycroft, pouring another vial into Dorian's beak. As they fell onto a ledge, Dorian transformed into a whale.

"I hate you," Dorian murmured. Then the ledge broke beneath them and they fell into the water.

"Another one," said Mycroft, tossing one of the remaining vials into Dorian's mouth. Dorian transformed back into a llama.

"Yes, I'm a llama again," he said, since he had become used to his llama form.

They both climbed out of the water and began to ascend the outer wall carvings back into the palace. However, Mina came herself and tried to stop them.

"I have to do everything myself," the vampire hissed. She was approaching with her eyes glowing red and her fangs extended. "I'm going to tear you to shreds!"

Startled, Mycroft dropped the remaining two vials. One vial exploded at Mina's feet in a plume of vapors. Through the vapors, two red eyes were glowing and there was evil laughter. When the vapors cleared, a tiny, fuzzy, adorable, white kitten stood where Mina had been standing.

"Oh shit! Look what you've done!" she cried in a squeaky voice.

"I'm taking that," said Dorian, snatching the last vial. Mina jumped on him and began clawing at his head. In the struggle, Mycroft was bumped over the edge but caught one of the carvings.

"Ahh!" screamed Mycroft, holding on at his best.

"Are you okay?" asked Dorian, staring down at Mycroft after shaking off the rabid Mina.

"Just drink the potion and help me!" answered Mycroft.

"Oh no," said Dorian, "I just had the potion here! Where did it go?"

"Looking for this?" Mina had the vial in her paw. "Is that my voice?" She placed a paw at her throat. "Oh well." At the very edge of the walkway, with the vial held high, Mina appeared that she would drop the potion.

"Don't you dare drop it!" shouted Dorian.

"Drop it?" the kitten Mina hissed. "You stupid fool! I'm going to drink it! Once I turn back into my beautiful self, I'm really going to kill you!" She attempted to pull the stopper off the vial, but she was unable to work her paws or teeth on it. She stomped on it, tossed it on the floor, but the vial bounced off the floor, bounced off the wall, and fell downward. Mina jumped after it, but forgot that she was changed into a kitten and was unable to fly like she did as a vampire.

The vial continued to tumble down the maze of carvings until it landed on the corner of one. Mina continued to plummet, screeching.

Dorian decided to run after the vial, but Mycroft was losing his grip and was about to fall.

"Dorian!" shouted Mycroft.

"Wait a second," said Dorian, trying to reach the vial in the risky location.

"Dorian!"

Unable to reach the vial from his position, Dorian decided to help Mycroft to safety. The vial then rolled out of position and began to plummet. Mina, who was still falling, was able to avoid splattering on the ground below.

"For the last time," M said to a delivery man, "we did not order a trampoline!"

"You know," said the delivery man, "you could have told me that before I set it up!" Mina had landed right on the trampoline and bounced right back upward. On her way up, she caught the vial.

"Yes!" Mina cackled, but she crashed into one of the cravings on the wall and the vial fell onto a ledge above Dorian and Mycroft.

Using the trick they used at the first rope bridge, Dorian and Mycroft walked up between two straight edges to reach the vial. Mina quickly recovered and began climbing downward toward the vial's location. Before Mycroft could grab the potion, Mina snatched it.

"I win!" she hissed. Then a portion of the carving opened beside her, the secret door smashing her against the wall.

"Wow," said Edward Hyde, poking his head out of the opening. The vial fell and landed in Mycroft's hand.

"Who would have thought that the trap door would lead me out here?" Hyde asked.

Dorian and Mycroft climbed to a safe ledge, relieved to have the potion at last.

"Here," said Mycroft, "this is the right one." He removed the stopper and handed it to Dorian.

"See you on the other side," said Dorian. He drank the potion and transformed.

_To be continued...

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**Note:** Oh man, I've been such a bum at updating this thing. I've been working on _Clash of the Shinobi_ and other stuff, but this one is nearly done. Just one more to go.


	10. Conclusion

**Chapter 10: Conclusion**

Dorian was walking with Allan Quatermain in the hall of the palace, both of them sharing a laugh.

"So no hard feelings about being tossed out of the window?" asked Dorian, who was returned to normal.

"It wasn't the first time I was thrown out of a window," said Quatermain, "and it won't be the last." The elderly hunter playfully punched Dorian on the arm.

"Funny guy," chuckled Dorian as Quatermain left.

"You asked to see me?" asked Mycroft as he entered the palace hall.

"Yeah," said Dorian, "I just wanted to tell you that I've been to your house on top of the hill and I didn't hear any sweet music." Dorian placed the model of a house back on the hill after removing the model of Graytopia. "I won't be building my summer house there."

"You know," said Mycroft, "there was sweet music on the hill next to it."

* * *

There was a hill next to the one where Holmes had his house. On that hill was Graytopia, but it wasn't anything like the model that had become part of the bird bath. Dorian's summer house was more of a small cottage type of home.

"Boom, baby!" shouted Dorian as he burst out of his house in his swim suit.

"Boom, baby!" Mycroft shouted as he did the same thing from his own house.

In Dorian's pool, Dorian, Mycroft, and several other villagers were swimming, splashing and partying. When Dorian got out of the pool to dry off, he put on a wool over top with a llama embroidered on the front.

* * *

Meanwhile, Edward Hyde was leading Tom Sawyer, Mary Sawyer, Sid, Huck Finn, Becky Thatcher and Joe Harper were on a hike in the jungle. They all wore scout uniforms. Perched on Hyde's shoulder was the squirrel that he spoke with earlier. Hyde was teaching everyone how to speak squirrel.

"I had an acorn and it is gone," Edward translated for the squirrel's gibbering. "Did you take the acorn?"

"Squeaky squeak squeak squeaky," replied the agents in Hyde's group.

"Did you eat the acorn?" Hyde translated.

"Squeaky squeaky squeak," was the answer.

"You owe me a new acorn," Edward translated for the squirrel.

"Squeak!" The agents presented their acorns. Tom elbowed the kitten wearing a miniature uniform.

"Squeakum," said kitten Mina as she presented an acorn in her paw.

_The End!

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**Note:** Okay, that was the silliest thing I ever wrote. I just hope some Mina and Tom fans don't come and kill me for the mean things I did to them. Yeah, I wanted all other characters of literature to make appearances in this because I really don't want to resort to OCs. I'm not sure that I will do _Kronk's New Groove_, I only saw the film once and it wasn't as great. I probably wouldn't pull it off well.


End file.
